Cultivating Self-Compassion
During a particularly difficult time in my life, I attended a meditation training. On the first day, the teacher told a story from the Indian tradition which explored the relationship between chaos and creativity. He spoke about how excessive control hampers the process of transformation. I asked him, “How would I know if the chaos is creative or if the chaos is simply going to mess up my life?”
The teacher looked at me, paused, and answered. “You might consider that The-Great-Consciousness-That-Is-All-That-Is is gazing upon you with the utmost compassion and the highest love. Try looking upon yourself in the same way.”
I thought I was asking the teacher about my marriage. In the many years since that weekend workshop, I have learned that I was actually asking, “Am I lovable whether or not I stay married? Am I lovable if I make a mistake?” As I endeavored to put my teacher’s advice into action, I discovered that I withheld love and compassion from myself. I learned that I believed I had to earn my own positive regard by conforming to rigid, perfectionistic standards. Learning to gaze upon myself with compassion didn’t solve my problems right away but practicing self-compassion gave me the freedom to listen to what I wanted and needed without holding my own love hostage.
Self-love and self-compassion do not solve our problems. However, practicing self-compassion can help pave the way to creative solutions by bringing a much-needed tenderness to painful circumstances. At its roots, the word compassion means “to be with suffering.” Learning to be with one’s own suffering— be that suffering a loss of income, a relationship challenge or the many frightening realities of a global pandemic, is not about fixing the outer situation. Self-compassion is a practice of loving ourselves unconditionally, of being with ourselves, in those moments when we might typically abandon ourselves. We need self-compassion the most when loving ourselves is difficult.
Many of my students have written me about their challenges being home during this period of quarantine: From emotional eating and exercise addiction to dysfunctional family dynamics exacerbated by both proximity and distance, depending on the situation. Many people are suffering with loneliness, anxiety, anger and grief due to the disruption in their routines and coping strategies. Hearing about these common struggles remind me that now, in the midst of difficulty, is a perfect time to practice self-compassion. During a time of chaos, an inner shift might be the needed creative solution more than a change in outer circumstances or behavior.
Practicing self-compassion is simple. The following 6-step practice can be incorporated into your life in a formal way, as a seated meditation or a visualization process. Or, you can use these steps informally, in the middle of a difficult conversation or while doing household chores.
Acknowledge your suffering. Name the behavior, feeling, or circumstance that causes pain.
Make loving physical contact with yourself. Place a hand on your heart or your arm or anywhere that feels reassuring.
Scan your body for tension or strain. Feel where your body is registering the moment of suffering you are experiencing.
Remind yourself that what you are going through is a part of a shared human experience. I tell myself, “I am not the first person to experience this; I am not going to be the last person who goes through something like this.”
Offer yourself compassion, tenderness and love. A simple “I love you” or “May I be happy” might sound corny or forced at first, but will initiate a flow of positive self-regard.
Receive the compassion and love. Soften any hard edges around your heart, relax any cynicism of your mind and allow the love in.
Self-compassion is the process of asserting kindness, generosity and love unconditionally; and is not to be confused with making excuses, indulging ourselves or denial. Rather, self-compassion generates the courage to tell ourselves the truth, to be accountable and to make necessary amends without flinching because making mistakes no longer means we are unlovable— mistakes mean we are human. Self-compassion generates the courage to ask for help because needing help does not indicate we are unworthy of love— needing help reveals we are like every other person who has needs beyond what they alone can fulfill. Self-compassion generates the internal spaciousness required to make decisions, take risks and to relax the grip that perfectionism can have on our attitudes and behaviors. Instead of life being about right and wrong or good and bad, self-compassion opens the doors to choice, to experimentation and to living life as a process of love.
