On Saturday, Locket and I had one last photo shoot in our yard before we move and say good-bye to the gorgeous landscape we love so much, and before sixteen inches of snow fell on Sunday. Every day, I read announcements of yoga studios closing their doors, unable to sustain a bricks-and-mortar business with no end in sight to the pandemic and no indication of when gathering in groups will be safe. And, while I am not closing the doors to a yoga studio, I am selling my house and land due to the financial uncertainties of Covid-19, which have made both the mortgage payments and small-town life unrealistic.

When asked if I am excited about the move, I generally reply, “Yes.” But the circumstances are a mixed bag for me— driven more by finances than by a desire for change or a hankering for a new adventure. Just the other day I realized that I have been through the stages of grief over the last few months in relationship to the decision to relocate.

1. Denial- “Oh, it won’t be so bad, we can make it”;

2. Anger- “ Why the eff did I sell my paid-for place in Texas to come here and assume the obligations of a mortgage? What an expensive mistake. And, “WTF is up with this administration making no viable plan to keep any of us safe? etc.” (Truth be told, being the fiery type that I am, I spent a significant amount of time over the last few month in stage 2.)

3. Bargaining- “Well, maybe if I offer this or that program or change this or that thing, then it will all work out.”

4. Depression- “Even though I actually love it when I show up, logging onto Zoom to teach or showing up for an extra call feels like moving mountains.”

5. Acceptance- “Everything is under contract and on schedule. We are moving, the new house will be a much more manageable undertaking, and look, at that… there is great hiking, biking, snowboarding, and a great dog training facility for Locket. Now I am feeling excited.”

So, onward we go, with one more week of classes online before a month of transition—finishing the packing, making a long cross-country drive with two cats and a dog all in the same car with me and Kelly, unpacking, settling in, outfitting the new yoga space, etc. The process is both well-underway and far-from-over. One thing I know about processes like this one, is that the only way out is through. As much as I would like life to function differently, the truth is, the long way often turns out to be the shortcut. I have learned from experience that if I try to step out of the process early, my anger eventually comes calling, my grief inevitably catches up with me, and my depression only sinks in deeper.

And, while I hesitate to use the word, because it has become such a buzz-word, I have a lot of trust in my own resiliency and capacity to meet challenges with a semblance of maturity most days. Not that I am running a perfect game, mind you, but I no longer confuse discomfort and strong emotions with something going wrong or with being a messed-up or flawed individual. Strong feelings, uncomfortable transitions, and awkward moments are simply the stuff of life, along with delightful surprises, heartfelt connections, and transformational insights.

I also know that no matter how the process unfolds, very little is helped if I stop practicing meditation, asana, or showing up for myself and my relationships with some measure of consistency. Part of moving through the inner and outer processes of life is moving my body intelligently, turning my attention regularly to what is deeper than the surface of life, and maintaining small self-care rituals. I used to think practice would keep me protected from life’s ups-and-downs, as though life responded to my efforts in practice like a reward for good behavior. As it turns out, practice functions more like a refueling station that helps me keep going in both happy and sad times and having such means is its own reward.

My guru used to say that 99% of the Path was showing up over the long haul. Practice is one way to keep showing up. So like that. I will miss my regularly scheduled classes during the month of November and hope to have things settled in time to offer a few pop-up classes n a few weeks, so look out for that. Also, I have a huge library of recorded classes on demand, or via pre-recorded series. And, then Backbends, Level 1/2, Asana Junkies and Level 2/3 are back in December.

So, I plan to keep showing up and hope you will too!